she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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