I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
