My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
