Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
