I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
barbara walters just said penis...
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
