I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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