The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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