my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
