You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
