I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
its liver damage thursday
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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