This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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