Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
You left your underwear on the fireplace
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
