So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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