Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize