she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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