Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
