we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
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