dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
