he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
