Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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