Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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