any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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