Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
