I wish I could punch you in the face.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
