ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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