i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
