i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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