My sheets look like a crime scene.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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