I cannot find my penis.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just had sex on a roof
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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