Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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