how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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