my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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