He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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