Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
In other news, I just burned my penis
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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