Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
