i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
