I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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