My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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