You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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