planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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