good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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