I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
