Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Randomize
