Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
is it fun? or sober?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
