my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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