My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
