The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
