Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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