So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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