after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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