theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
