when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
