Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
