Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
