Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
When are your genitals available?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
