Can i not drive my cunt home
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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