You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
