I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
a search helicopter?!
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
