Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
