He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
