i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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