Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
